Getting Ready for Intimacy

Getting Ready for Intimacy

Why I stopped dating:

I had several marriage proposals as I set out to date men. I seriously considered one of those proposals. However I usually date with my gut feeling. With this guy something just didn’t feel right. On a logical level he had everything going for him. The guy was a Christian, he earned well, he was a loving father to his kids, and most importantly we got along very well. My parents and family loved him. So I made one crucial mistake. After he has visited me several times at home, I went to visit him to meet his children and see how we got along. No problem there. I learned from our discussions that since I don’t believe in sex before marriage, he wondered if I was willing to please him. I was shocked to have it emphasized that assertive people don’t struggle to simply receive! Being empathetic I want to please people and rather battle to receive – I learned to set my boundaries firmly.

I learned over that weekend and during my dating encounters, that men will always try to score and it is a woman’s “honor” to assertively say no. I know it is important to be sexually compatible but from watching others and due to some verbal experiences I have seen that once a man has “scored” he all too easily gets what he wants and has no need to settle.

After him, I discovered that being friendly, honest and just enjoying men’s company comes very natural for me. If I felt inferior in a guy’s presence I wasn’t interested in going out with him. For most part, after going on a few dates with guys, they were interested but I simply didn’t feel it was meant to be. Eventually it became stressful to tell a guy that I wasn’t interested. They were curious about what I desired in a romantic partner. I told them I had no particular standards and just desired someone that I click with and that my gut feeling tells me is a match. This is not a good answer for prospecting candidates. I learned to stop reasoning and simply not to respond when they reached out via phone.

I had interesting encounters in the dating field that began to make me question the whole process and its intended purpose. Dating started off as a hopeful adventure than began to deteriorate the more I pursed it, which eventually caused me to stop. Dating was more trouble than it was worth. Here are some reasons why:

The game:

I like guys with an outgoing personality, and for the same reason guys like me. When I find myself plotting strategies on how to get a certain guy to like me, it becomes more stressful than fun. They guys that I simply enjoyed hanging out with soon wanted to see if they can score. I grew tired of telling guys to back off. I just want to get to know guys to see if we were a match, and am compatible.

The guys that were willing to get to know me better, I felt weren’t a match. I felt I was using guys if I only wanted to go out to simply have some fun, knowing the guy was hoping for more.

I heard from a guy who wanted to also stopped dating because he also wanted to get to know girls but when he was in competition with several guys over one girl and he felt they were using strategies and formulas, instead of naturally getting to know her, he lost interest. As he puts it, “I felt locked into a GAME I knew would only lead to more problems down the road.”

The superficiality

Looks in all other areas can be deceiving, except when you are dating. I never had a problem to attract guys because I put in effort with my looks, I am not over weight, and some guys don’t worry about my income. For guys I guess dating is easy when you have the right income. The fact that woman love the security that a good income offers and also the idea that a guy will be able to make a plan whatever you are facing, make these guys the pick of the dating field.

When a potential person is a catch then he or she can have their pick and actually all of us should be in such a good position, where you are not dating to simply be labelled, “desired” but to only date when you are really interested in a person.

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The often overused, outdated rules

If like me, you have read up the rules of dating, different personality styles, and gender differences then you know pretty much how to read “danger signs” in a relationship. For instance if a guy loses interest, you know what to do to get him back in the “GAME” The danger exists that it can become a tactic. Don’t misunderstand me, I like being aware of how men think as I can quickly pick up when I’m being needy or off balance. When I am so focused on a guy that I place my spiritual pursuits second, I become alert.

Often I simply want to joke around, but then I am all too aware that whilst that may be my intention it may not be how another person perceives me. When you feel like you can never crack the enigmatic code of what another person likes, or basically when I find myself trying to become overly concerned about “pleasing” someone, I back off for some time as I lose touch with doing what makes me happy.

I am often told by my family of go-getters that I must not be overly involved on Facebook and other media networks. Therefore though I’m more outgoing than them, I listen to their advice. However, when there are rules to follow for being socially “accepted” I start to feel like a copy cat of other person’s ideas of who I need to be.

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I know from experience that for the most part, men are devoted players with phobias for commitment and settling down. Alpha males have perfected the art of being pick-up artists whilst tallying the number of times they scored along the way.

I’m not saying that all men are bad, as some are superb gentlemen; but nowadays it is simply not “fun” to fight off guys. I heard from an ex-prostitute that out of the more than 300 men that made use of her services only 3 men had the ability to please her. I was totally shocked to hear just how set men are on being “pleased!” I thought that love and lovemaking should be an art that both mutually enjoy and are committed to in a marriage.

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What I’m doing instead:

I’m aware that love may, someday, pursue me. I just have no intention to pursue the dating world, as I’m dissatisfied with the whole process. For those who continue to seek love whilst being in the dating game, I hope you find it via that avenue and value it once you do.

As for me, I learned a lot about myself when I dated guys. I learned about what I enjoy and what I don’t and for someone who has always placed a partner first, it is liberating. If I am meant to get to know a person better, I will - without being involved in the “dating world.” If I don’t feel that I and someone else is a match, then I am simply not willing to date to show that I am “desired.” While, I have met two men that I feel holds promising prospects with one my gut feeling says no and with the other I’m careful to be authentic. I don’t want to try and earn his “acceptance.” I am simply enjoying life as it is at this moment.  

Therefore though I believe a relationship is all about “the other person and making them happy” yet a relationship is only as happy as both parties are. Before you make another person happy, make sure that you are happy with your life.  

Regards Lize

Why Your Marketing Isn’t Working

Why Your Marketing Isn’t Working

Did I see Jesus

Is it possible that God can still appear to people today? How did the Emmaus goers see Jesus? Why did His disciples not recognize Him when He appeared to them. Did I see Jesus in August 2013 and June this year?

To find out read my book. Now available at a discounted price on Amazon. At this link:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B017NQXASW

If you have difficulties in your relationship, your perspective may be part of the problem. I often hear divorced men complain that they provided well for their exes and that the ex didn’t have to cook or clean the house but still she was never satisfied. In these men’s perceptions their partners were ungrateful; although they gave what they THOUGHT their partners need. On the other hand, from the ladies side I often hear them complain that their partners continually point out their flaws. A lady will say, “I overlook my husband’s habit of not putting things away, but the one time I forgot to close the door when he took a nap, he pointed out my inconsiderateness.” Another lady remarked, “I always compliment my husband on what he does, but he seldom thank me or even sees what I have done.”

Consider how your perceptions and your partner’s reality meet up. Talmud said, "We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are." Everything that we understand and think of as factual has been filtered through our believe system. We are all experts at disregarding information that does not fit with our beliefs.

It is amazing how changing your perception can begin to change your relationship. Becoming consciously aware of the meaning that you are attaching to the things that your partner does and says and searching for ways to put a more positive spin on them can create upward momentum in your relationship instead of a downward spiral.

Conflict may result from your interpretations of your partner’s actions or intentions. You may take things too personally. If your partner is not offering to assist you or preoccupied, you may perceive that s/he doesn’t love you, that s/he is selfish, lazy or inconsiderate, or that s/he doesn’t care. It is not the circumstances or behavior that hurt you, it is the meaning that you attach to them that causes you pain.

This brings me back to how divorced men often think their ACTIONS were enough to leave a woman satisfied, whereas the women generally complain that she doesn’t feel EMOTIONALLY supported.

It can be difficult for an empathetic person to assertively verbalise feelings. It is as if the more emotional partner needs to become more balanced in being assertive and action oriented. Whereas the more logical and assertive person needs to exercise their weaker emotional skills. In order to be happy in a relationship both partner’s need to adjust, expand and be humble in admitting their inadequacy in dealing with a person that is so “other” than they. A logical person, mostly men often doubt their ABILITY/ACTIONS whereas empathetic folk, mostly women doubt their worth or has (EMOTIONAL) self-esteem issues. When a woman is generally happy a man gets it that his abilities are efficient. When a self-sacrificing woman struggles to positively verbalise her requests a man will battle to meet her needs and the relationship will suffer.   

To begin changing your perceptions, consider or ask someone else: “What else might this mean?” Look for several options; try finding some positive or at least neutral options. Another helpful hint is to put yourself into your partner’s shoes. Try to see the situation from his/her perspective.

Recently, a friend of mine was saying he didn't understand why all the girls he dates suddenly lose interest. I was prepared to give him a speech about why women lose attraction but instead I asked him a question: Well, why would you do something like that?

"What do you mean?" he replied.

"Well, let's say you were seeing a girl that you initially like and then after awhile you lose interest. Why would you do that?"

"I'd probably do that because she was suddenly becoming boring or she lacked confidence."

"So you'd basically lost your curiosity when she became insecure?"

"Well, yeah..." and then the light bulb moment hit.

Flipping the situation can answer a lot of relationship questions but there are always some other things to consider. Your self esteem plays a key role in your perception of events. On top your partner’s attitude towards you will affect your interpretation. Then again, men and women have different needs and when you interpret all things from your perspective, you may be completely missing your partner’s motive.

Published in the Journal of Family Psychology, a study from researchers at Harvard Medical School and Bryn Mawr College in Pennsylvania found that men are happiest when they perceive that their wives or girlfriends are happy, whereas women are most satisfied when their boyfriends or husbands perceive they’re upset. In other words, women’s happiness in their relationships depended on how much their husbands or boyfriends made the effort to understand their negative emotions, even if the guys didn’t always completely comprehend them.

According to an article by Ian Landau[1] “Women’s relationship satisfaction is more strongly linked with [their] perception that their male partners were trying to understand them…than with men’s ability to accurately read their wives’ negative emotions….” On the flip side, as noted above, researchers found that “Men’s relationship satisfaction was related to the ability to read their partners’ positive emotions accurately.”

So where does all this leave us? “Helping a man to understand their partners’ negative emotions may allow them to stay engaged during interchanges in which women desire their partner’s engagement and men are inclined to withdraw in response,” they write. Women, in turn, can increase men’s satisfaction by tuning in to, and amplifying, men’s positive emotions.

Thinking and believing that it is impossible for a person to love you, can’t result in you positively interpreting his/her reactions. If you believe the best, you will see the best. Reversely, thinking and believing that your partner is not good enough or that your relationship cannot be happy, does not lead to creating a successful, happy relationship. The more emotional person in the relationship must come to terms with the fact that s/he is worthy of love and the more logical person must believe in his capability and ability to contribute. Only as we are whole can the emotional partner make him /herself vulnerable to ask for what s/he needs and can the logical person make him/herself vulnerable by giving of him/herself.  

If you have self-worth or capability issues try the holistic approach of my newly released book, “You Are Supernaturally Loved” at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B017NQXASW

Until next time, keep up the right perspective.

Lize.

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[1] http://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/0305/when-it-comes-to-relationships-perception-is-the-key.aspx

No one will value you until you value yourself.

I have been in a 24 year marriage. I have had times wherein I was constantly pursued and times wherein I constantly pursued my ex. The first one is preferable. People so easily say they have fallen out of love with their partner, for me that wasn't an option. I chose to love my ex and I did all in my power to show him that I did. Somehow I forgot that we must love others as we are loved. It became my goal to love on my partner and it went pretty well for most of the time. However, when I for instance spoke to our daughter without consulting him, he punished me by texting other women and ignoring me. The worst part was that I allowed it for far too long. Eventually my health suffered because I was valuing him more than myself. We separated because my doctor advised me to look to my health. Ever so often I catch myself wanting to make others happy but forgetting about making myself happy. 

I found the cure to stop putting others first is to know that I am loved by God just as I am and for who I am. I know how it feels like when God relentlessly pursues me, even when at times, I feel like I have messed up so bad and that my mistakes are irrefutable. Then, still He comes and offers me forgiveness and love. I know how it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I know how it feels like when His love energizes me. And I know how it feels like when I look for love and acceptance from others. It doesn't feel good at all, unless they willingly offer it.

I have learned to ask myself first, how will the outcome effect me before I put others first. Most of the time now, but not always, I act considerate towards myself, instead of unwisely putting others first. When I neglect myself, I soon feel unhappy, because I matter to God and therefore I should matter to myself and others as well. 

It is important that we are balanced, no one should matter more or less than I do. Most of the time I feel like hugging myself, being thankful to God that He created me as unique as I am. It took a lot of heartache to come to this place of worth and acceptance. Experience taught me about His love for me, just as I am and when others don't accept me like that, I move away as even Christ had pre-requisites for being His follower. He said we must forget about our selfishness, take up our cross, and follow Him or His example. His example means that we at times shake the dust off and move to areas where we are valued, loved and accepted.  

You choose

Blessing or cursing you choose, and therefore today I chose to be happy and to have an extraordinary day. I chose to bring out the best in others and myself and to inspire and lead with gratitude, confidence and dignity and it was so. The best thing God gave us is free will, let us use it for good. Let us choose to rise above all and every circumstance because all is possible to those who believe. I chose to believe and therefore I am inspired, thrilled and ecstatic!