Monday, 21 December 2015

Why I stopped dating:
I had several marriage proposals as I set out to date men. I seriously considered one of those proposals. However I usually date with my gut feeling. With this guy something just didn’t feel right. On a logical level he had everything going for him. The guy was a Christian, he earned well, he was a loving father to his kids, and most importantly we got along very well. My parents and family loved him. So I made one crucial mistake. After he has visited me several times at home, I went to visit him to meet his children and see how we got along. No problem there. I learned from our discussions that since I don’t believe in sex before marriage, he wondered if I was willing to please him. I was shocked to have it emphasized that assertive people don’t struggle to simply receive! Being empathetic I want to please people and rather battle to receive – I learned to set my boundaries firmly.
I learned over that weekend and during my dating encounters, that men will always try to score and it is a woman’s “honor” to assertively say no. I know it is important to be sexually compatible but from watching others and due to some verbal experiences I have seen that once a man has “scored” he all too easily gets what he wants and has no need to settle.
After him, I discovered that being friendly, honest and just enjoying men’s company comes very natural for me. If I felt inferior in a guy’s presence I wasn’t interested in going out with him. For most part, after going on a few dates with guys, they were interested but I simply didn’t feel it was meant to be. Eventually it became stressful to tell a guy that I wasn’t interested. They were curious about what I desired in a romantic partner. I told them I had no particular standards and just desired someone that I click with and that my gut feeling tells me is a match. This is not a good answer for prospecting candidates. I learned to stop reasoning and simply not to respond when they reached out via phone.
I had interesting encounters in the dating field that began to make me question the whole process and its intended purpose. Dating started off as a hopeful adventure than began to deteriorate the more I pursed it, which eventually caused me to stop. Dating was more trouble than it was worth. Here are some reasons why:
The game:
I like guys with an outgoing personality, and for the same reason guys like me. When I find myself plotting strategies on how to get a certain guy to like me, it becomes more stressful than fun. They guys that I simply enjoyed hanging out with soon wanted to see if they can score. I grew tired of telling guys to back off. I just want to get to know guys to see if we were a match, and am compatible.
The guys that were willing to get to know me better, I felt weren’t a match. I felt I was using guys if I only wanted to go out to simply have some fun, knowing the guy was hoping for more.
I heard from a guy who wanted to also stopped dating because he also wanted to get to know girls but when he was in competition with several guys over one girl and he felt they were using strategies and formulas, instead of naturally getting to know her, he lost interest. As he puts it, “I felt locked into a GAME I knew would only lead to more problems down the road.”
The superficiality
Looks in all other areas can be deceiving, except when you are dating. I never had a problem to attract guys because I put in effort with my looks, I am not over weight, and some guys don’t worry about my income. For guys I guess dating is easy when you have the right income. The fact that woman love the security that a good income offers and also the idea that a guy will be able to make a plan whatever you are facing, make these guys the pick of the dating field.
When a potential person is a catch then he or she can have their pick and actually all of us should be in such a good position, where you are not dating to simply be labelled, “desired” but to only date when you are really interested in a person.

The often overused, outdated rules
If like me, you have read up the rules of dating, different personality styles, and gender differences then you know pretty much how to read “danger signs” in a relationship. For instance if a guy loses interest, you know what to do to get him back in the “GAME” The danger exists that it can become a tactic. Don’t misunderstand me, I like being aware of how men think as I can quickly pick up when I’m being needy or off balance. When I am so focused on a guy that I place my spiritual pursuits second, I become alert.
Often I simply want to joke around, but then I am all too aware that whilst that may be my intention it may not be how another person perceives me. When you feel like you can never crack the enigmatic code of what another person likes, or basically when I find myself trying to become overly concerned about “pleasing” someone, I back off for some time as I lose touch with doing what makes me happy.
I am often told by my family of go-getters that I must not be overly involved on Facebook and other media networks. Therefore though I’m more outgoing than them, I listen to their advice. However, when there are rules to follow for being socially “accepted” I start to feel like a copy cat of other person’s ideas of who I need to be.

I know from experience that for the most part, men are devoted players with phobias for commitment and settling down. Alpha males have perfected the art of being pick-up artists whilst tallying the number of times they scored along the way.
I’m not saying that all men are bad, as some are superb gentlemen; but nowadays it is simply not “fun” to fight off guys. I heard from an ex-prostitute that out of the more than 300 men that made use of her services only 3 men had the ability to please her. I was totally shocked to hear just how set men are on being “pleased!” I thought that love and lovemaking should be an art that both mutually enjoy and are committed to in a marriage.

What I’m doing instead:

I’m aware that love may, someday, pursue me. I just have no intention to pursue the dating world, as I’m dissatisfied with the whole process. For those who continue to seek love whilst being in the dating game, I hope you find it via that avenue and value it once you do.
As for me, I learned a lot about myself when I dated guys. I learned about what I enjoy and what I don’t and for someone who has always placed a partner first, it is liberating. If I am meant to get to know a person better, I will - without being involved in the “dating world.” If I don’t feel that I and someone else is a match, then I am simply not willing to date to show that I am “desired.” While, I have met two men that I feel holds promising prospects with one my gut feeling says no and with the other I’m careful to be authentic. I don’t want to try and earn his “acceptance.” I am simply enjoying life as it is at this moment.  
Therefore though I believe a relationship is all about “the other person and making them happy” yet a relationship is only as happy as both parties are. Before you make another person happy, make sure that you are happy with your life.  

Regards Lize

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